Hit Command+N. Type “m”. http://myuncchart.org/ is what Google Chrome automatically finishes. This is my every-30-minutes-or-so routine until I get my blood test for an autoimmune disorder marker back. I am exhausted, emotionally, by this process. I thought it would be over once the bacteria was gone? It is not, so far. The PICC line may be gone, but things are not as they once were. In church this past Sunday, we reflected on the John take on the turning over of the tables. There was a lot of talk about bodies being made in the image of God. We even sang a lovely new song called “Imago Dei,” taking that theme quite literally. I took notes on the sermon this past Sunday, as I have almost every Sunday for at least a year. One thing I wrote down in my notes, thinking of a possible blog entry for my long-forgotten blog: “My body has not been my favorite part of me lately.” The sermon was mostly about seeing God in other people, in our differences and similarities. But instead, all I could think was “my body has not been my favorite part of me lately.”
I have been relatively healthy for as long as I can remember. Sure, some mental health concerns and the ever-present advice to “eat healthily! Exercise!” but generally speaking, I haven’t ever really been inconvenienced, or worse, scared, by my health. I mean, people my age just don’t think about this happening to them. But it did to me and I’m bitter about it. Bitter about my body betraying me, bitter about all the people in my life who are acting like this whole ordeal is over, bitter about the fact that my body was still made in the image of God. I mean, honestly, who is God to make me this sick person? And then who is God to say I am made in the image of God? Because if my body is made in the image of God, then this illness I’m dealing with is something God is experiencing too. It means I’m not alone. It doesn’t take away the anger and bitterness I feel towards my body, not entirely. It doesn’t magically make all this go away. But it’s something for me to consider for as long as this is going on. If I am made in the image of God, then what I experience is God’s experience too. Maybe all I’m clinging to right now are the prayers from those who still pray for me and that knowledge that I’m not alone, but I think for right now, it’s enough.